kriyayogamalaysia

The Unseen Challenges of Helping Others on the Spiritual Path

By Desmond Yeoh SC

One of the most profound aspects of a spiritual journey is the call to help others. Compassion and kindness are virtues that guide us toward selflessness. However, the reality of helping others is rarely as straightforward as we might hope. Sometimes, the desire to assist can lead us down challenging paths, especially when we become entangled with people who might not be good for us or seeking to exploit.

It is natural to want to uplift those around us. Many spiritual traditions emphasize serving others, from the Buddhist concept of bodhisattvas—those who dedicate themselves to alleviating suffering—to the Christian teaching of loving one’s neighbor. However, what happens when our desire to help leads us into friendships that may be emotionally or mentally draining?

This noble aspiration often conflicts with reality. Some people do not want to be helped. While their struggles may be visible to us, they may not be ready to confront them. In some cases, the person may reject assistance outright, becoming defensive or withdrawing further into their problems. As Carl Rogers, a renowned psychologist, once said, “The only person who is educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.” Change must come from within, and no amount of external effort can force someone to accept help if they are not ready.

Additionally, research suggests that therapy is often ineffective when a person is forced into it. A study published in Frontiers in Psychiatry examined mandated treatment and found that legal coercion can negatively impact the therapeutic relationship and feelings of stigma, which may lead to poorer treatment outcomes. This highlights the importance of personal willingness and readiness for change—without it, even professional intervention may fail to yield meaningful results.

A particularly challenging scenario arises when dealing with individuals who have a victim mentality. These individuals often seek attention and validation for their suffering but may not genuinely desire change. Any advice given might be dismissed, ridiculed, or ignored. As philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.” Those trapped in victimhood often struggle to find their “why” because they have grown accustomed to their suffering. They may unconsciously resist solutions because their struggles provide them with a sense of identity or justification for their frustrations.

Often, people’s difficulties stem from deep-rooted negative thought patterns or behavioral tendencies. Offering insight into these issues might seem like the most logical form of assistance, but it is not always welcomed. No one enjoys having their flaws pointed out, even if it is done with kindness. A famous Zen saying reminds us, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.” If someone is not prepared to acknowledge their own destructive cycles, attempts to help may fall flat—or worse, cause harm to the relationship.

Consider this example: You see a friend struggling with financial hardship. You offer budgeting advice, suggest better financial habits, and even provide resources to help them get back on track. Instead of feeling grateful, your friend becomes resentful, interpreting your guidance as criticism or condescension. Instead of improving their situation, they distance themselves from you, feeling judged rather than supported.

Ultimately, discernment is required when deciding how and when to help others. Not every situation calls for intervention, and sometimes the best thing we can do is allow people to learn their lessons at their own pace. It is better to wait until there is clear evidence that the person is willing to change.

Being a beacon of support does not mean carrying someone else’s burdens to the point of exhaustion. True compassion includes wisdom—the ability to recognize when stepping back might actually be the most loving act of all.